To follow the mind or follow the heart?

Do we ever make decisions that solely rely on the inner thoughts of our mind, or that solely follow the inner feelings of our hearts? Or does every decision we make entail a bit of input from both? Our hearts and our minds can either be in sync with one another, or they can be marching to the beat of their own drums. Big decisions always seem to stir up in me a confrontation between my mind and my heart. It is somewhat comparable to old school cartoons, when the antagonist plots against the protagonist with a devil perched on one shoulder and an angel floating on the other. However, it would be closed minded of me to draw any type of analogy between a devil and an angel to my heart and to my mind. Depending on the decision at stake, sometimes the mind is good and the heart is evil, and sometimes the heart is good and the mind is evil. One thing I have noticed though, is that it is my mind that tends to prevail in such situations.

 

I often find that my mind and my heart contradict one another as if their equal and opposite forces are somehow keeping me in line. I suppose it is this phenomenon that has generally kept me on a straight and narrow path throughout my life. If I choose one over the other I am taking a risk, but if I continue to listen to both, I remain in some sort of safe and stagnant limbo. Is that how it is for everyone, or do most people favor one over the other? When your mind is clear on one thing but your heart feels another, which one are you supposed to choose? It seems as though those who choose their hearts are the more spontaneous, passionate types who end up getting themselves into sticky situations that make for a lot of trouble later on. And yet those who choose their minds are practical and sensible, but lack a certain sense of adventure and an exploration of the unknown. 

Why do I struggle with knowing which one to follow? And why are they always contradicting each other so greatly? One gets in the way of the other, often leaving me in a state of confusion.  

Two Silent Angels

When it comes to dreams (the kind we have while we're asleep), I'd say that mine are slightly homogenous. Most of my dreams could be classified into one of two categories. There are the recurring frustration dreams, and there are the dreams that randomly compile the people, places, and things of my past, present, and even future, into an utterly nonsensical plot. I suppose I could write quite a lengthy (as they're typically lengthy) blog entry on my personal dream theories, as well as dream theories at large. However, that will not be the focus of THIS particular blog entry (perhaps a future one?). Instead, I feel inclined to share a meaningful stream of thoughts incurred by my most recent "compilation" dream. The absurd and hysterical events of the dream itself, aren't necessarily worth knowing, for one to understand what I am about to go "out on a limb" to share. Rather, it is the appearance of an influential person from my past, in the form of a dream, that one should note.

Included in my dream was someone who I felt very close to before he passed away in August of 2006. He was a teacher at BYB, knowledgeable and passionate about his art, and, without a doubt, one of the quirkiest and wittiest people I've ever met (being quirky and witty are positive attributes in my opinion). He cherished the subtleties of life, and took interest in the underdogs that crossed his path. His dedication to his students and to his work was (and still is) unmatchable. His humble nature never indicated the remarkable feats of his career, both as a dancer and as a teacher. I truly believe that he knew the end of his life was drawing near (although he never told anyone of his failing health until a week before he passed away). In the last few months of his life I became the recipient of stories that he seemed eager to tell. He often talked to me about leaving a legacy, in a somewhat generic sense. In hindsight, I now realize that the stories he told me WERE his legacy (if only I knew that at the time, maybe I would have written down everything he said). Sometimes I questioned why I was the one chosen for his long sessions of reminiscing. He told me it was because I was receptive.

My receptiveness was tested much in the same way not too long after he passed away. I became friends with someone else, who, to make a LONG story short, also took a genuine interest in BYB. Although his attachment to BYB was from a more external perspective, his soft heart, love for children, and his deep appreciation for all that was aesthetically pleasing, landed his name on the list of BYB's biggest supporters (both morally and financially). A lonely man with a dark and depressing past, caught up in his own current toils and troubles, he and I would occasionally meet for coffee. The topics of our conversations were usually related to psychology, religion, philosophy, politics, and dreams (the kind we have while we're asleep). Besides being the most well read and deep thinking person I've met, he was also well versed in dream interpretation. We spent a lot of time sharing dreams with one another, and figuring out the meaning of what we dreamt. Perhaps he would know the meaning of the dream I spoke about earlier in this blog entry...but in July of 2008 he also passed away.

I consider both of these people "angels" of BYB. They never knew one another, but the similarities between the two of them were quite remarkable. In fact, I have found myself wondering if maybe one was a continuation of the other. Both truly had great minds, kind hearts, and similarly peculiar mannerisms (which I'd be the first to pick up on). Both of these people were extremely emotional and were not afraid to express what they felt. They each came with their own set of vices. For some reason, both of them chose to confide in me.....and then died not too long after that (YIKES!). I think of them often, but in different situations.

I think of one when I am caught up in a BYB moment that I know he would have been caught up in himself, because he was there day in and day out. As BYB grows and changes, those moments become increasingly internalized for me, as there are only a handful of people remaining at BYB who experienced him enough to actually share with me in one of those moments. His name appears on the wall in two places, in a building he never knew about (BYB relocated after he passed away). People he never met walk by his name each day without realizing the significance of his BYB tenure. 

I think of the other one when I look at BYB from an outsider's point of view. When I assess the state of BYB by looking at the big picture, I imagine the positive and encouraging things he might say. I also think about him when I feel like sitting down with a cup of coffee to discuss my latest dreams...and that brings me full circle to the point of this blog entry (finally!). Even though the two "angels" I speak of were not connected to one another during their lives, they are now merged together as two of the pillars supporting those who frequent BYB. They are BYB's silent "angels", as their names and faces are unknown (to some, not all).

Honored to have known them both to the degree to which I knew them, I suppose I experience a different kind of silence than those who never met them at all. For me, it is not so much of a silence due to their anonymity. Rather, it is a silence resulting from the void they left in my life. Their physical presence is a thing of the past, but I am reminded of them in certain moments in my life...definintely in my random, nonsensical, "compilation" dreams!

Big Fish or Small Fish?

There is nothing like being in a theatre where EVERY seat is full! Over the weekend I attended Cincinnati Ballet's Peter Pan at The Aronoff Center. It did my heart good to see that in these tough economic times, a theatre could still be filled, even for a ballet! Although audience members were not exposed to a classic, or even a showcase of contemporary cutting-edge choreographic works, the massive crowd of people who were gathered together for ballet's sake was a refreshing sight. The fusion of comedic acting, highly "entertaining" ballet technique, and modern-day theatre tricks indicated the performance's focus on children, but there were several instances in which I found myself with the common facial expression displayed by adults in Disney World. The face that emulates the look that children have when they are being completely "Disney-fied".......mouths gaping open, bright eyes, and total belief that what they are seeing is in fact real.

The music was composed by Cincinnati Ballet's Music Director, Carmon DeLeone, who was celebrating 40 years with the Cincinnati Ballet! Lush and engaging, the Pullitzer Prize-nominated score really appealed to me. The choreography of Septime Webre was clever, tricky and showy, giving the audience a small taste of the virtuosity that ballet dancers possess. I was equally amused by Cervilio Amador's (Peter Pan, and Cincinnati Ballet's "poster child") ability to do nine pirouettes, slow down on the last two turns, hold his position, and then perfectly land the turn....as I was by his ability to portray classical ballet in parody form (Les Ballets Trockadero style) during one scene. Brilliance on Septime Webre's part, and truly appreciated by all the "bunheads" in the audience!

I won't go any farther than that with the ballet jargon for those of you who are not ballet aficionados! But I will go "out on a limb" to share with you an internal struggle that was somewhat rekindled in me, as I watched a truly magnificent production of a professional ballet company. Upon graduating college with a B.A. in Arts Administration in 2006, I mulled over whether or not it would be better to be a big fish in a small pond or a small fish in a big pond, when it came to securing an administrative position for myself in the arts world. I suppose that during my schooling, I dreamt of an administrative position in a large professional ballet company in a big city (small fish in a big pond). However, before I got the chance to actually investigate that foremost debate in my mind, I had already been dubbed a big fish in a small pond at Bluegrass Youth Ballet in Lexington, KY. Day in and day out, I love my job! It is fulfilling, rewarding, challenging, exciting, and for lack of a better phrase, "totally my style". I feel that I get to be in my element every single day! I am privileged to be working in an organization from its beginnings (except, I missed the first year). I literally watch it grow along with the people it is comprised of, and there is nothing more gratifying.

However, when I attend a professional ballet performance I am always struck with awe and wonder...in awe of the size and scope of the inner workings of the company, as well as the magnitude of their performance...wondering what it would be like to work in the larger realm of the ballet world. Sometimes I worry that even though I am getting a lot of administrative experience at my current job, it is quite different from the experience I would be getting if I were working for a professional company. I feel as though I am losing time, IF I seriously want to be a small fish in a big pond some day!

I know that no one is stopping me from a job change....except MYSELF. But I am just NOT ready to part with my job anytime soon. Although Bluegrass Youth Ballet is much smaller than any professional company, sometimes I feel that the dreams and goals we have are much bigger! The idea that I am half (perhaps the lesser half, the other half is our Director!) of the forefront of an organization that I believe is headed for a bright future excites me! I truly believe in the mission of our organization (quite different from that of a professional company), and I want to be a major influence in its fruition.

This big fish/small fish struggle has been "swimming" around in my mind since I graduated college. However, the more I plug away at my job, the more the struggle fades. I suppose I am becoming extremely content with what I am doing. Not content in a stagnant sense, but content in a peaceful sense, knowing that I am where I want to be at this point in time.....despite temptations like Cincinnati Ballet's Peter Pan.

Out On A Limb?

Welcome to my blog, Out On A Limb! I suppose I could have chosen a more mundane title, like The Chronicles of Jen Levine, as I fully intend for this blog to be nothing more than an account of the events and thoughts that crop up in my daily life. However, in choosing this idiom, I realize that I am committing myself to a sense of direction for my future blog entries. Hopefully, I can live up to this commitment! 

The mere fact that I have even decided to become a blogger, is perhaps in itself going "out on a limb"! I am not one for sharing my personal thoughts, stories, beliefs, views, opinions etc. with the world. If you know me well you have probably had an earful of "life from Jen's point of view", whether it came to you directly or indirectly. If you do not know me well, I suppose this is the place to get to know me more...and maybe even to understand me (good luck). I'm afraid that I am giving myself an opportunity for another computer-based, time wasting addiction, but I could no longer resist the web-log (hence the word "blog") world!

Alas, becoming a blogger is only my surface reason for choosing the title Out On A Limb. Beneath the surface, I find this commonplace phrase extremely suitable as a description of me and a description of my life. More often than not I find myself going "out on a limb". Sometimes the limb is short and sturdy, and the chances of it breaking under me are not really all that threatening. But other times the limb is long and shaky, and I fear the consequences of stepping farther onto it. I think we are all faced with these instances in our daily lives. 

Blogging is something that I have been contemplating doing for a long time. I have a passion for expressing myself through writing. In fact, I feel that I write a lot better than I speak (due in part to the delete key on the keyboard). When I find myself "out on a limb", whether it is short or long, you will find an entry on my blog. Or, when I just feel like writing on my blog, you will also find an entry...because for me, THAT is also going "out on a limb"!